Pants 0. Shit 1.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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