do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
