I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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