We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
