did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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