shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
