Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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