I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
