Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
