i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
