When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
that is very illegal...i love you.
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