by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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