You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize