She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
