Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
