I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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