I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
