So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
