I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
