I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
