margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
