Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
