I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
