Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
