Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
