I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I need water and some morals
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
