dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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