i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
