her vagine was all disorganized.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i think i have two assholes
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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