They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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