but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
