what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
