he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
