im drinking this country out of the recession.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
