Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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