I only kidnapped one of them. chill
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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