I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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