Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
