So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
