My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
