Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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