new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
