I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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