Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
