If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
