Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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