Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
