sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
