dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
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