Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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