i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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