TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
