So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
