Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
