Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize