we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
