Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize