You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
