Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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