I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
