Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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