you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
