she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
