I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
